day 4 -Action reaction (cont'd from day 3)

Action reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the reaction of anger based on a man reacting to me. I should have just let it be, I shouldn’t have provoked a useless confrontation which very obviously wasn’t going to do any good to anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react defensively towards someone commenting that I was not looking ‘good enough’ to appeal to them, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the beauty polarity/system/demon.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe beauty is power, that appearance is important, that seduction is a survival technique. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within this and I stop here. I stop my participation in behaviours which have the intended outcome of seduction in any way. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe if I am not attractive no one will take care of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to be taken care of and that I can’t take care of myself. I am stable as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear independence. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel safe when I have someone to depend on when all I need is to be able to depend on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel safe and protected within my relationship, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require safety and protection from another being. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unattractive or ugly for fear of losing my security as a relationship. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ugly because I fear no one would want to have anything to do with me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my self-worth on the projected imagined reality of people only ‘liking me’ because they want sex. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this as acceptable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe if no one wanted to have sex with me I would be abandoned and alone. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being abandoned and alone.

I stand alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because someone reacted negatively towards me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need people to like me, thus enslaving myself to act in ways that appease others and suppress who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because I felt I was being scolded. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in diminishing behaviours such as ‘trying to impress’ and ‘wanting to be right’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger because I felt the situation was unjust towards me. Nothing ever happens ‘to me’, I am only ever reacting to myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in an unjust situation which was not just to anybody and ended up diminishing everybody.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe in these moments, as awareness.

Day 3 - Beauty

March 23, 2011

Today I felt like I was weak and strong, and like I was slipping into my ‘old life’ as well as committing to process all at the same time.
A point I thought I had moved passed was the fear of speaking publicly, which I push through by participating in my classes. These classes are rather large so the fear is substantial. Today however, in the time between deciding to speak and actually speaking I was having intense reactions of fear wherein I experienced my heart pounding, weakness and shakiness. I breathed through it and pushed myself to act regardless of how I was feeling, and then I did not participate in the self-judgment which took place afterwards. I was surprised at first because I had really become quite comfortable with this point and then today it was more extreme than ever, but it was really awesome to use my tools through this experience, because although they didn’t make it any easier, they made it possible.
This is something I realized recently, which is that the tools don’t necessarily make anything easier to live in actuality, at least not for me at this point in my process. What they do for me is allow me to realize that I can direct myself to do things that I normally would have been convinced I was incapable of.
I also pushed through this fear that came up because I had to leave class half way through. I needed to buy some ointment for my psoriasis so I accepted an offer to pick up a shift at this bar I used to work at to make some quick cash. I cut class to make it there on time, and something about getting up in front of everybody and walking out of the room really bothered me. I thought it was rude and disrespectful to the professor. But when I took all of these thoughts and values out of the equation the only things that were left were the facts: it was necessary for me to leave so that I could work to make money for medicine which I required immediately to assist my physical body. I thought about how in an equal money system, no one will have to sacrifice one second of their education to work for money to pay for something like medicine.
At the bar a man mentioned that I hadn’t put enough effort in to my hairstyle and that I could do better. I had actually left my hair alone and dressed professionally but not seductively as I didn’t want to participate in the seduction point which I knew would be intense at a bar. He asked me why I shaved my head so I told him. He said my response was boring and uninteresting to him, and that my reasons were not exotic and sexy. When I told him that it was a cool feeling to not have men look at me in an objectifying way he got so angry. He said I was patronizing him and talking down to him and that what I said was very offensive. I quickly realized the futility of the situation so I walked away, I realize what I said was pointless and provocative, inviting conflict into my world that wasn’t going to lead to anything productive or beneficial. I went to the bathroom and by the time I got there I was in a reaction –heart pounding, face hot, anger welling up. I breathed and did one sf on the reaction, so I’m going to finish that now. Oh shit, I just realized that the only reason I went in to this point was because there was a professor from my university sitting there who has a phd and I wanted to impress him and I wanted him to think that the student body-represented by me- had something to say about the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run my mouth about ems to impress someone whom I judged as ‘in high standing’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse what the ems stands for, which is life, by turning it in to knowledge and information which I used to feed my ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another as ‘higher,’ ‘more established,’ and ‘better than’ me, thus separating myself from him. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to further that separation by participating in my egoic desire to impress him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the immediate consequence of this abuse by creating conflict by saying provocative things because I felt I was ‘right’. I did not direct this situation according to what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I have this secret weapon which is knowledge and information of the ems, which I feel is ‘the right thing’ to stand for, and anyone who doesn’t stand for it is ‘lesser’.
Ok, well, I have realized the root of the issue here, but it’s nearly 4AM and I have class tomorrow so I will continue this tomorrow.

I am ready to live my Corrective Statements.

March 21, 2010.

I am ready.

                I feel deceptive right now. Today I woke up and in a split second I was breathing ‘I am here’ and up and out of bed. That was cool, but I struggled all day with this paper I’m writing. I know I can be more effective and less distractible. The point I’m working with here that is being brought up by this term paper is like every experience I’ve gone through when being faced with something I don’t want to do (the topic is Quebec public Administration, and I’m arguing that Quebec is a sub-state nation from an administrative and historical point of view).

 My normal technique is to not do the thing by any means possible. And if I absolutely can’t get out of it, I would do it begrudgingly. My physical reaction to this point continues to surprise me, as I feel terrible waves of – I don’t even know – maybe dread and stubbornness, like the work is a waste of my life and it’s never going to end. I observe this reaction in the children I tutor so it’s an interesting point for me to be working on right now. I honestly don’t know what to tell them because I haven’t gotten over the point myself.

I felt weird all day today and yesterday too, kind of dizzy or something, like there was a bubble or void in me. I don’t have any clue what caused it, I just breathed through it and ignored it because I had things to do.

I feel deceptive because I once again became completely absorbed in schoolwork and forgot about my process. I did breathe today, but I didn’t locate myself or do any self-forgiveness during times when I knew I was allowing myself to be distracted.

I have psoriasis on my scalp and also an obsession with textures so I really ‘struggle’ with keeping my hands out of my hair, particularly when I’m doing things like reading or homework. So, I totally dropped the ball on this point too. I know that when I’m participating in this behaviour that it is participation within everything that I’m not supposed to be doing: not being present/aware, participating in programmed patterns/behaviour, solidifying and deepening this escape of ocd that I use when I have energetic build ups within me. I know I can’t just tackle this point head on because it’s such a deeply engrained thing, but I didn’t even try to stop it today.

It’s as if when I’m working on a really important assignment I give myself the green light to stop applying myself in all other areas of life, as if I were focusing ‘all my energy’ one this one thing and I don’t have any energy left over to do anything else properly. But the truth is I don’t only have a certain amount of energy. These tasks do not require my participation within energy to accomplish. This is a belief I’m holding on to, which is: that I only have a certain amount of energy to use throughout the day, therefore my tasks have to be prioritized and I can only handle top priorities while everything else goes to shit. And it is not me, but my mind that is deciding what takes priority. So today, there were points when playing with the dog, having a nap and going on facebook took priority over making headway on my paper. I worked on it for many hours, but I also took many breaks. Now I’m only half way done when I had planned on being finished at this point in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to losing myself throughout the day, I breathe through these moments of uncertainty and ‘lostness’ and bring myself back here. Even if I don’t feel ‘here’, I rely on my principles to determine what action to take with regard to what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not locate myself in moments when I know I’m being carried off by my mind. –Today I did stop and breathe; it was like I wasn’t even there. I didn’t know what else to do so I will speak sf out loud when this happens next time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I only have a certain amount of energy to accomplish the things I need to do throughout the day. I already know that with self-forgiveness and breath I feel lighter and less dependent on energy. Also, I remain sensitive of when to push myself and when to be gentle and nurture myself within accomplishing large time-consuming projects.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for myself in facing this point of pushing through my own stubbornness of ‘not wanting to do something’, and all the physical sensations that go with it. I push myself through these moments, in breath. I let the waves wash over me knowing it will pass. I can get up and walk around, or take a small break in these moments, but sitting there in a daze does not serve me in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in to a dreary daze when I do not take responsibility for myself in facing my stubbornness. I direct myself through these moments practically and with common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my hands wander to my head when I feel frustrated or ‘not present’. It’s time to start chipping away at this pattern. I remember the moment it began,,,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to have a problem with my scalp, it was a self-destructive decision that I made without awareness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived as less than life, pretending to be unaware of the consequences of my choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived as if there were no consequences because the consequences were not manifested in my life. I knew better than that, yet I yielded to the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have yielded to myself as the mind, believing my own lie of no consequence. I understand now, I stop myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have avoided pushing myself when times were tough at school or work or within a relationship, and instead I cowered in fear, believing myself to be less than the situation. I am equal to everything I manifest, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I manifest.

Where am I right now?

I feel empty, void. Not good or bad, just ready. I feel I have no more immediate points at the moment. It is possible that it’s time for me to live some of my corrective statements. I am ready.

Day 2- Deception

March 20, 2011

 In the morning, sometimes when I wake up there’s a moment before I become aware that I was just sleeping and am now awake where I experience a comfortable nothingness. This morning as I became aware of being awake I immediately did not want to face the day. I experienced this as feeling extremely tired with a touch of dread. I immediately thought of process and I breathed “I am here”. My mind told me “if you get up now, feeling like this, you will feel like this all day”, and, “sleep some more and you will feel better”. I lay there for half an hour in a light sleep thinking:

I know that it doesn’t matter how I feel during the day, that I cannot escape ‘feeling bad’ through sleep, and that self-forgiveness and breath get me through it.

I know that more sleep is not the answer. I see how sleep can be utilized as an escape. I must get up and face the day.

But as I lay there it is as if my mind was working in fast forward, pilling my baggage back on to me before I could realize it isn’t real, so that by the time my head lifts off the pillow, I am already heavy with the reality of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up and go immediately in to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up and immediately not want to face me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that I can’t face myself today, I realize I have no choice. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that facing myself is a daunting task, which is the same feeling I manifest connected to thoughts about the paper I’m writing, which I knew I would be working on all day. I have already forgiven myself about this point, I see the thoughts and the feelings I manifest along with them, I see how they do not serve me, and I stop my participation within them. Today I did what I could, I pushed myself, tomorrow I will push through the resistances, I will get this done.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape in to sleep, or to utilize sleep as an escape, feeling temporarily freed from the experience of myself, and choosing to pursue that experience of fleeing myself instead of facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself in every moment. The present moment is all there is, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the idea of facing all that I am. I face myself in the moment, one moment at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I get up while I’m still tired, that I will feel that way all day.

Some SF on things that are coming up right now:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat another in ways that would devastate me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts about others that are abusive in nature, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my thoughts have nothing to do with others, and are purely about me and who I am in relation to that person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in events in the physical which are based on the pursuit of energetic feelings I manifested in my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value in these pursuits, especially when these pursuits are secrets and would change the way others saw me if they knew.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having a secret mind and a secret life make me special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose energetic charges over my principles. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my mind over life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be so naïve that I can deceive myself.

But even as I write these words I can feel inside me that I want to go off and do whatever it is that I want to do, to selfishly do whatever pleases me. I feel resentment that I have not allowed myself to be myself, that I’ve played so many different roles for others and in doing that I have suppressed myself, neglected myself and suffocated myself to the point where I have acted out in complete and utter self-interest. I have justified that self-interest through the belief that I deserve to do ‘something for me’ because I spend all my life being ‘someone for others’.

“I can be the perfect daughter, to your face. But behind your back I’m going to do whatever the hell I want. I’ll lie, cheat and steal and get what I want behind your back. You want the perfect girlfriend? I can give you that. But when you’re not around I will go after other guys, continue seeking the thrill of the chase, and then look you in the eyes and lie to your face about who I am.”

I thought it didn’t matter. I thought who I was had no consequence, as long as others believed me to be a certain way. I believed that was all that mattered because if they believed it that would be their experience and they would be happy. I would be making them happy by pretending to be someone I was not, while at the same time, pursuing my own demons thinking it was going to make me happy. No harm, as long as no one found out.

But now I find out there is harm in doing this. I played a role for everyone, whatever role they wanted. I became good at sensing what a person wanted out of me, and I gave that to them. At first it was like a game I was learning how to play, but eventually I became a slave to it.

Then I started to see others as abusive to me because they did not see through my act. I saw them as foolish for believing me and therefore not deserving of my respect. I believed them to be nothing because of what they have done to me and allowed me to do to them. But I have done it to myself. And there’s no getting it back now. What’s done is done, I can’t get that back. I can’t believe what I‘ve done to myself. I knew I was doing it.  I can’t believe I never stopped myself, I never believed I was more than that, I believed myself to be nothing, and now here I am, looking back at what I’ve created, and I so don’t want to admit it and face it that I’d rather just continue to do it. I’d rather just shut my eyes tight and ignore the truth of myself. I’m sitting here feeling as though I cannot face myself. I would not survive facing what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, or not become.  I believe I cannot face myself because I believe myself to be only that, and I have not realized myself as life, because I do not believe myself to be life. It is so horrible and terrible and wonderful all at the same time.

I understand how to forgive myself for this, but I feel as though I owe something to the people in my life who I deceived.

  But I can’t go back and fix all my mistakes; all I have is this moment. All I can do is forgive myself of my past and let it go so that I can change and be honest within my current relationships, and not continue my patterns of deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not have to face myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be exempt from this process because I am somehow special and not involved in this whole mind possession thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own deception, that I am this perfect being who makes people happy. I am not that, I am me, regardless of people’s reactions to me. I am stable; I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, for picking myself apart and finding every little imperfection and blowing it out of proportion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel it is my job to ‘make people happy’, I only ever end up hurting them in the end, when I can’t keep it up and I leave their lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abandoned myself. I have always been here, I just didn’t realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have deceived many people in my world, only to abandon them in the end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the perfect roles, to have spent so much time perfecting these perfect roles, all the while suppressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed, neglected, suffocated, and starved myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given up on myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worth nothing because I was not real. “I have worth because I breathe” because I am here, because I am life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have deceived others because I believed I was making them happy, when in reality I was only making myself happy by reflecting myself back to myself through their reactions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others in this way, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon these people when the act grew tiresome, tossing them from my life as if they were nothing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to devalue life in this way, thus devaluing myself as life. I am one with everyone I deceived, therefore I have deceived myself. I have abused myself the most through this deception, and tossed myself aside as if I were nothing, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this to myself, as one with life as myself as others in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a slave to my need for people to react positively to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for this enslavement of myself.

I am here.

Self-Realization v. School

School v. Process

A pattern I need to write about is how I experience myself in relation to school. I’m experiencing difficulty in situations where school work becomes my only focus.

What I experience: an exam is approaching. I feel as though I don’t know where to begin studying: all the information seems relevant and I can’t pick out the important points to focus on. Because all the information seems relevant I become overwhelmed by the vast quantity of information I need to study.

When I begin to study I fear that I haven’t absorbed enough information in class and through the readings, that I’m incapable of understanding the material and that I’ll do poorly and reveal the fact that I’m not capable of achieving good grades.

I used to rely on stress and motivation to begin studying, but those things are gone and now I feel nothing moving me to begin the arduous process of beginning to sift through the material. I procrastinate and then my world feels like it’s closing in and I have no control.  I stop blogging, become possessed and banish myself to my room with my books where I get very little done.

Eventually I move myself to begin, but now I feel I haven’t left myself enough time. I become overwhelmed.

So I move myself to begin studying well before I normally would have, but I can’t focus, I read and re-read the same paragraph and I don’t absorb the information, it reminds me of being a horrible student in grade school.

At the last minute all becomes clear, I cram the day before, well into the night and then early the next morning right up to the exam. Everything turns out fine. But I have not been blogging, I have become doubtful, I wonder whether I can do process, become self-critical and destructive and basically waste days on end with this pattern.

March 19, 2010.

                I don’t know how long ago I wrote that, but, the semester is winding down and the rest of this month and in to next month is going to be a good test for me with this pattern I’m working on. These last couple of days I’ve been struggling with a paper. I feel like a child within this wherein I can’t believe how I’m reacting to this. I don’t want to do it, it’s hard and boring and I feel like my whole body gets irritated, my eyes can’t see clearly and want to shut, my mind gets all foggy and I can’t think. I get so frustrated I want to cry.

                So I breathed through this and did sf on it today and yesterday. Today I ended up talking about it with my parents in the kitchen. I shared my experiences and how I felt like a child who was resistant towards a task and then I talked about my paper topic and listened to their suggestions. I was honest with them and the whole interaction was very helpful. I went to a coffee shop and applied their suggestions and practiced breathing and I finally had my first breakthrough wherein I began to form an outline and an introduction as well as the beginning of the first argument.

                I have placed much importance on this particular paper for three reasons. 1) It is the longest paper I’ve ever had to write, and I haven’t proven myself to be a great paper writer because I haven’t been able to get past this childlike point. 2) I really want to impress this teacher because he was a politician, and I want to impress him so I can have a letter of reference, and I want him to remember me so that I can use him in the future as a connection or affiliation. 3)  My grades are really good in this class, and the paper is worth 40% so if I mess it up I can bring down my GPA and lessen all the work I have done so far.

                I’ve built this paper up to be something daunting and huge and important. This creates huge resistance in me and I’m surprised at how physical that resistance is. Simply because it is hard and I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to push myself to apply myself because I don’t see a point in it. But there’s a huge point, and that is self direction. The paper is important and so is doing well at school, but I have to let go of the ideal of perfection I’m trying to attain. The most important thing here is that I practice my application, and as long as I do that my grades will be good because I will be effectively applying myself at whatever it is that I am doing. I will always and consistently do my best if I am effectively applying myself.

                So I will continue to breathe and apply sf on this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a term paper as something daunting and hard and undoable for me. I have never ‘not been able’ to write a term paper, I’ve always done fine, so this is obviously my mind. I do not participate in these thoughts of ‘not being able’ to do something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that term papers cause stress and anxiety that I cannot cope with. I cause these reactions within myself when I do not apply myself. Regardless, these are destructive reactions that I stop within myself as they are not life here but rather patterned behaviours of the mind as me. I stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because this paper is longer it will be more difficult. The only real difficulty I’m experiencing is living and participating within my resistance to facing myself and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to push through this point because I have not done it before. There is no precedent set, I direct myself in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach importance to this particular professor because of self-interest.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use him and his status to further myself. I stand alone and take responsibility for me and what I need to do to stand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want the paper to be done and over, without taking the necessary steps to achieve that goal. Much like the difficulty I’m having with committing to actually applying myself within this process of self-forgiveness and self-realization, I just don’t want to do the work. There’s no way out but through. I recommit here because I have proven to myself once again, that it is necessary to do the work, and nothing is going to move me but me. Doing the work is the whole point here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself within this point of taking self-responsibility for myself, wherein I face myself and my patterns and resistances, becoming one and equal to them, thus directing them to change myself. I breathe through and forgive myself for the my acceptance and allowance of the physical discomfort I experience within my practical application of process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what happened last semester will happen again, wherein I was not able to push myself to manage my time and I ended up cramming everything into the last moment and afterwards I felt broken and abused.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place achieving good grades at school above my process of self-realization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can only do one thing at a time, that I need to completely and utterly devote myself to school or process, but not both. This actually makes me ineffective at either. I can do both and I can do it properly through self-direction, discipline and time management.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed by projections into the future with regards to school and finances. I stop thinking about final grades, creating expectations which allow for fear of failure. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing to meet my imagined state of academic perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine failing and fearing that outcome. This is another projection and I stop my participation within it. I am here, as long as I am here and present in self-direction,  I will do fine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of the future, specifically with finances, wondering how I’ll ever make enough money to support myself through all that I need to do.  I will support myself to do whatever I need to do. Right now I’m in school and things are the way they are. One more year of school and I will have a full-time job again. I’m doing all I can now to support myself and I’m fine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear debt, being buried in debt that I will never be able to pay off, that will prevent me from self-realizing or being able to direct myself. I am using fear of debt as an excuse to not face me. Who am I in relation to debt? I feel crushed, completely helpless. Ok, here I have to remind myself that I am required to be in some debt right now. It is manageable, I have dealt with it and placed it in the most inexpensive place and have used the resources available to me to manage my situation and I am ok. I am directing my financial situation well and I am the directive principle of me within my financial situation concerning debt. I am no longer living the pattern of feeling as though I am not in control of my finances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by bills. I have proven to myself that I am capable of keeping track of my bills and paying them on time. I am responsible for my finances and deal with problems as they come up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to re-live my past experiences of not having enough money and feeling very insecure in the world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to re-live fearing for my health and fearing the fact that at any moment an event could take away what little I had. This can happen to anyone at any time. I remain here, stable. I will continue to concentrate on becoming stable in the world.

Writing, Revealing, Realizing

     My writing has been sorting out my relationship with my mom. I realize that everything I have emotionally connected to her has, in reality, absolutely nothing to do with her or who she is. It's about how I react to her, how I define myself in relation to her, how I project what I'm feeling on to her, etc.... This goes for every relationship in my life. It has nothing to do with the other person. The only thing that is relevant is the value I have placed on events that have taken place within the relationship, and the ways in which I have allowed myself to view myself based on those events. This truth is a great liberator, as the onus is now on me to sort myself out within this. I am the only person who I can give and receive true forgiveness from, releasing myself instead of waiting for somebody else to 'save' me', 'fix' me or apologized to me or whatever. Nobody except me can change the way I experience myself, therefore, there is no blame, no waiting and no anger, only self-responsibility.Today I had an honest conversation with my mom, which doesn’t with me very often. It was fluid and light instead of stagnant and awkward for me. The mother-daughter relationship is a tricky one (as are all realtionships, family ties being the most 'loaded' or 'heavy' in my perception). After having written out my 'issues' with my mom (more like issues with myself), I have shed many of the expectations I never before realized I held her to. Of course nobody will ever live up to the expectations I hold them to, because it's nobody's job or responsibility to live for me or change the way I experience myself in the world. I know the point I'm working on within my relationship with my mother is in no way 'cleared', but I have freed myself up to now express myself honestly around her, which had always been (or,I have made it out to be) incredibly difficult for me. The conversation was actually all about my involvement with desteni and the equal money system. I was explaining it all to her and, although I’ve talked about it before, it’s as though it  registered this time. She even said she was proud of who I was as a person, which is like, all I’ve ever wanted to hear. But now I’ve heard it, and nothing has changed within me. No burden of responsibility has been lifted because my mother approved of me. So, it all comes back to self. Self-responsibility. Forgiving myself so that I can actually move on, release this bullshit I hang on to and live according to what is actually here instead of holding on to the limited
worldview I have created for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place importance on having my mom like me, know me and approve of who I am or what I’m doing. I’m going to do what I’m going to do regardless of how anybody feels about it, because if my goal is to get approval, than who I am within that is not valid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself from the starting point of gaining approval, which is in self-interest, instead of the starting point of what’s best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in positive energetic emotional charges when interacting openly and honestly with my mom, thus manifesting the opposite effect. I remain stable and breathe through the energetic reactions that arise within me so as not to create nor participate within energy.

One of the things I’m finding within self-honesty and corrective application is that I’m more consistent, so, although I’m not always heard the first or second or third time, eventually, when I am heard, there’s this history of consistency. The people I share things with don’t take it seriously the first time, but eventually, after months or even years, that consistency is something substantial.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated and unsure when people don’t hear me the first time, or when people don’t get the desteni message and its importance immediately. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to convince others that ‘we’ need to change, when in fact ‘I’ need to change, and that change within myself will be the most effective 'convincing' I’ll ever experience. I stand alone, as all-one.

Through my writing and videos I’m realizing that most of what I feel about myself is determined through other people. It’s as if I don’t have that connection with myself so I need to mirror myself through another person to be able to see who I am, and to judge myself, and that judgment is skewed by whoever I’m using as a reflector. I realized this after reading Lindsay’s blog where Viktor asked her if she had any reactions towards becoming fat, and she said she did: (viewtopic.php?f=80&t=18335&start=180).
So I asked myself the same question, and what came up was: well, my husband wouldn’t be too happy about it. Also, I have had a lot of perceived resentment from women (with which I manifested many bad feelings towards my body), so the reaction that comes up in me is the feeling that a lot of people would be happy if I became fat, and I would feel bad about that. Only after I forced myself to imagine myself being fat did I get reactions of fear and panic.
I’m conscious about what I eat and I make an effort to exercise, but I definitely over eat and don’t exercise enough. My genetic predisposition allows me some slack in this respect, whereas another person might practice my same habits and become overweight. It’s at the back of my mind that I’m getting older and I’m going to have to become a little more disciplined, but there’s no issue other than that because I know when I eat proper portions and move around I’m be supporting my body adequately and I can’t do any more than that.
I project guilt about being skinny because many others experience weight problems. On the other hand I feel like I need to be in shape and attractive for my husband. My mind goes to the thought that he married a thin girl so now I should keep it up so he doesn’t get a raw deal. I’m not sure what I’m projecting there. Maybe that I must remain ‘attractive’ so that he’ll judge me accordingly and stay with me. I have talked about this with him and he said that he wouldn’t like it if I were fat because that would mean something was probably going on with me psychologically.
But I have placed much value on this body and its ability to attract/seduce men because of my fear of survival. I find myself targeting men of authority in my world, either bosses or professors, usually men who I have to depend on for my survival. I’ve already done sf on this concerning my boss, and I changed, I stopped participating in those thoughts and began to dress differently and stopped wearing makeup and shaved my head at that time. But now that I’m in school and I place so much value on passing and on good grades that I’ve found this point kind of came back wherein I want to seduce my professors and have control over them due to my fear of failing. This is diminishing behaviour and it stops here. I will not view myself that way as I have already experienced that when dealing with people openly, honestly and directly, without thinking about the 'seduction' point I gain experience respect and confidence within myself, otherwise I am slippery, deceitful and objectified.
SF Review:
-"Through my writing and videos I’m realizing that most of what I feel about myself is determined through other people. It’s as if I don’t have that connection with myself so I need to mirror myself through another person to be able to see who I am, and to judge myself, and that judgment is skewed by whoever I’m using as a reflector.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack the self-intimacy required to recognize myself as a person or a self which actually exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to use others to create an image of myself. This creates manipulation as I may alter what I see through others by altering who I am and how I behave around them, thus being dishonest and manipulating myself and the other person. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others in order to create an image of myself that I’m satisfied with. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within this (self-) dishonest behaviour. I am ‘here’ as life as who I am. I remain aware of the reactions that come up around others, and I breathe through them and release them in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to handle who I am, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear showing others who I am, as this is actually my own fear of seeing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear revealing to myself who I really am, because that entails taking responsibility for the atrocities of the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within the situation on earth, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project doubt concerning whether or not I will be able to forgive myself for all this horrible abuse. I forgive myself unconditionally with trust in my corrective application.

-“ So I asked myself the same question (do I react towards the idea of becoming fat), and what came up was: well, my husband wouldn’t be too happy about it. Also, I have had a lot of resentment from women (with which I manifested many bad feelings towards my body), so the reaction that comes up in me is the feeling that a lot of people would be happy if I became fat, and I would feel bad about that. Only after I forced myself to imagine myself being fat did I get reactions of fear and panic.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value being thin as an asset and judging it as better than being fat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view being thin as important.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe being thin is attractive and that being attractive is important instead of just being who I am without judging myself or participating in the thoughts of whether or not I’m being judged by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to look a certain way because I’m in a relationship. I only want to assist and support my physical body by giving it exactly what it needs, not more and not less, with no other motives. I assist and support my physical body unconditionally is it assists and supports me unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do anything from the starting point of appeasing my projections of someone else’s desires or demands of me. I direct myself according to the principle of equality and oneness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the positive energetic emotional charge of ‘feeling good’ when my husband compliments me and conversely ‘feeling uncertain’ about myself when he doesn’t. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine how I feel about myself based on the comments of another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about not being overweight.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad and negative feeling towards my body because I held the belief that it was a source of resentment for others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disconnected from my body because I felt people disliked me for it without knowing who I am as a person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my body as something separate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-perception to be influenced by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I am thin while others have weight problems, and I know that it has less to do with how I’ve treated myself and more to do with my pre-programmed design.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and react to the idea that others would be happy if I became fat. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my imagined projections of other’s reactions toward an imagined projection of myself in a hypothetical scenario.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad because I felt girls resented me for my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a false sense of security within myself in the face of the insecurity other women revealed to me through my perception of their resent. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than they are, or superior to them because I am not insecure like they are. The truth is I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be insecure about my appearance and body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my appearance and body as important, or even more important than who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fat. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe being fat would lessen my worth. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge overweight people as less worthy or having less value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry towards overweight people because I believe they are responsible for it, this anger is misplaced:I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at myself for my own gluttony and lack of will power. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and my physical body as I neglect it and as I live within participation within the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the socially constructed ideals of what a woman 'should' look like.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more worth upon those who fit these socially constructed ideals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused myself in order to meet these socially constructed ideals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged myself based on these ideas, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my perception of myself to be influenced by these ideals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used these ideals to abuse others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fed in to the existence of these ideals by believing them and participating within them, even within supporting them with money as I purchase 'beauty products' and 'flattering clothes'.
I present myself to the world as who I am, practically and comfortably, expressing myself in the moment according to principle, and not being moved by these outside influences.

Some Amazing Perpective!

I recently watched a video which really put in to perspective how I was experiencing myself in relation to others wherein I felt I had completely designed myself according to other people. Without that definition, or ‘feedback’ as sunette calls it, I have no reference point for who I am. I have to become my own reference point, this is key in order to direct myself and remain stable. Who are we really, when we’re alone? I can remember how it feels to get all dressed up and wear makeup, with everybody complimenting and showing desire or being a little more friendly than usual. I would set out to get that feedback and the feedback that I would get would confirm to me that yes, I am this person, I am a woman, I can be attractive, I am desirable, I have confidence and grace… and all those other ego-driven manipulations that I am looking for when we go out to the club or whatever I may happen to be in to. The truth is that I’m probably more ‘myself’ when I’m alone in the bathroom taking a shit! LOL! 

Finding myself within Fear, Doubt and the mother-daughter relationship

  

 Suggested video on family by Andrea: Demon Possession and the Family System pt.1

Fear, Doubt and Mommy:

I’ve committed to process but haven't been blogging. I had a couple false starts and I wanted to skip it today but I see the stagnation that takes place when I don't fully participate in what it is I need to do. When I don’t write myself out or keep up on the desteni videos the doubt starts creeping in. It’s interesting that my maiden name is Doubt as this is an issue I've been dealing with the more I participate with desteni. The more I ‘put myself out there’ the more fear I have as I face my doubt, but I face it through breath and with self-forgiveness and I can see it for what it really is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect the importance of writing every day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in my mind, participating with my thoughts, believing them to be me, making my process longer and more difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself when I don’t apply myself fully to my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the importance of this process by keeping one foot in the easy life I’ve become so accustom to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fooled by this reality and its apparent normalcy. I know better than this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hang on to that life due to fear, thus sacrificing everything for nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take my commitment seriously, and not take myself seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel exposed when I expose myself to the world, as if anybody could diminish me. Only I diminish myself, this stops now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let doubt creep in when I begin to change because it feels scary and new, I do not accept and allow doubt concerning what I’m up to with my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I require validation when I feel self-doubt, I am all I need, and I am here.

What is my Doubt?

                It is fear. Fear of change and the unknown, conversely, fear of losing the comfort of the familiar. Fear of being duped, or made out to be a fool, in other words, fear of being taken advantage of. Fear of judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear into my life, through my participation in the thoughts which I charge with fear, and believed that fear to be so real that I react to it in the physical. All fear has ever done is stop me and diminish me. Fear has never brought anything useful in to my life, it is only destructive and I will no longer participate in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change, or changing who I am because I’ve grown so comfortable with who I had become, as a coping mechanism, a personality and an ego. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other’s reactions to my change because I’m reflecting myself back to myself through them, or the ideas I hold of them, and seeing myself change. I’m seeing that the change is real, and fearing what is real because I’ve never experienced this kind of realness before. Real realness means real consequence, and I have acted in ways without considering the consequences of my actions. I have acted in self-interest throughout my life and now I feel the realness of consequence, and it scares me, so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of my actions. I accept full responsibility for all that I have caused through accepting and allowing myself to exist as the mind. I acknowledge the fact that I have acted in self-interest throughout my life, and that I have not considered the big picture, even though I knew it was there. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have blinded myself to the suffering and abuse in the world, in my own life and within myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking responsibility for my actions and consequences. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that myself, or anybody else, is above facing their consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I can convince those around me that something is a certain way, that it is that way. Such as, convincing everyone that I’m a certain way, instead of just being who I am without participation in the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need people to think I’m something that I’m not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can construct some sort of ideal way to be, and then convince those around me that I am that way, when in reality, I have never really had control over who I am. I have been completely directed by my thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions and they have more to do with who I am now, I have had very little say. Now I live by principle and will not allow it to be any other way. I stop participation in my thoughts in every moment that I become aware of it, and I become aware of it more and more every day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be ‘there’ and ‘done’. With process or any other endeavor, it takes time; it takes moment-by-moment accumulation, breath by breath. I’m slowing down so I can do it right, because otherwise I have to do it over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing others to themselves as I act in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself so that I don’t make others uncomfortable or realize what they have accepted and allowed within themselves. I will no longer diminish myself because I don’t want to be the one to expose others to themselves. I will no longer fear the blame they may place on me, I know it’s not me they’re mad at. I will no longer fear others reactions to themselves, even if it is projected on to me. I stand as stability and support them through the realization of their responsibility, as I would like to have done for me. But I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to alter my behaviour in order not to have an effect on people. This is self-dishonest and abusive to myself as well as others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be a coping mechanism, a personality and an ego above who I really am as life here. I realize I can handle every experience better if I do not participate in the reactions, thoughts, feeling and emotions that have always accompanied events. I function better without them, I am more self-honest without them, and I feel lighter and more capable of navigating my way through my day without them, interactions are more real without them and I am more consistent in who I am through time without them.

                The other main thing I need to write out at the moment is the fact that I’m sorting myself out in relation to my relationship with my parents. The fact is, I live with them now and I can’t leave till I’m done school. Being back with them has had a bigger impact on me than I wanted to admit at first. It’s really hard for me to think straight and be myself around them.

                With my mom- I feel very frustrated around her because I feel that she never 'let me in.' I can see that I have manifested this experience myself as this is how I am in actuality, and I am projecting this self-image on to her, seeing myself through her, as her.So, what is she showing me as me? I feel like I’m talking to a shell or a mask = I wear a maks when I talk to her, I do not show her who I am, revealing only a shell of my true self.. She’s very distracted most of the time and doesn’t hear me = I am very distracted by my mind, I don't hear myself. Sometimes I think she’s not listening = I am not listening to myself, these beliefs hurt me growing up because I feel very unimportant when she behaves (I behave) this way, even now = I feel unimportant because I did not give myself importance, I did not stand as who I was, but instead only presented a shell of myself. I did not listen to myself, but rather to my mind's perception of myself based on my interpretation of the reactions of others towards me. I spent most of my time distracting myself with my imagination, creating an alternate reality instead of facing what I was doing by ignoring myself, and instead of realizing who I really was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my mother to provide me with the feeling that I am important. I am the most important thing that I have access to, now it’s up to me to gift myself to myself so that I can be effective in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to have my mother hear me, know me and see who I really am. It is I who needs to hear, see and know myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to express myself to my mom so that I can have her validation as who I am and who I have become. I am valid, there’s nothing more valid than who I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out validation from anyone but myself, I am here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to seek my mother’s approval for who I am, who I have become and what I’m doing now. I approve of the direction I am taking as I direct myself, I approve of living according to the principle of what is best for all, as well as the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is some magical relationship between mother and daughter that everyone experiences but me. I nurture myself unconditionally, with the utmost care as I bring myself forward to stand as equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the relationship between my mother and I is supposed to be a certain way. The relationship is a result of what we are both capable of at the moment. But I will no longer wait for her or anyone else to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about my mom and her mental state. I will support her as who she really is and beyond that, it is out of my hands. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for my mom’s mental state, or to feel like I can improve it by behaving a certain way. Behaving in any way other than who I am is manipulative and abusive and I do not accept or allow myself to react to this worry by altering my behaviour, as if I have control over the outcome. I am only trying to control my own feelings of worry and not doing what’s best for all in this situation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the feeling of being worried about my mom or anybody else. There’s nothing I can do as the mind to stop this experience within myself as the mind except not participate. Anything else is manipulating the whole experience in order to appease myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry that my mom feels trapped and imprisoned inside her own living hell, as I used to. No more worrying, I see how it’s abusive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect worrying with caring about someone. I’m not caring about anyone but myself and my own worry, anything I do in this possessed state is done in self-interest and not what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my mom is capable of being something she is not, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with her when I want her to be something she is not, as in open, understanding, listening, communicative, real etc… The fact is, I believe myself to be something that I’m not, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shirk the responsibility of facing myself as not being open, understanding, communicative and real by projecting my frustration about this on to my mom. These things make me uncomfortable and I believe myself to be them but I’m not. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself because I’m not in practice what I believe myself to be in my mind. I still need to walk these things, I’m not there yet and I’m only waiting for myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘forget’ that I am only waiting for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, when my mom is not listening, that it’s not about me, she is occupied in her mind and she is in her own process, and that I am not listening to myself.
I listen to myself now, I hear myself, and I devote myself to stand as self. 

              

    

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use talking as a means to create the feeling of the mother daughter relationship I believe to exist. I create that relationship within myself as I teach myself and ‘mother’ myself now, in taking responsibility for who I am, I ‘parent’ myself and discipline myself. And through this mothering and parenting myself I create self-intimacy and self-trust, understanding, caring and realness. I do not allow self-judgment or limitation or any other forms of self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be uncomfortable with silence between my mom and I. I breathe through those moments and remain stable so that I may speak and listen as me, and not just talk to fill the silence. I no longer ‘just talk’ to fill silence, I breathe through the discomfort I experience within the silence between myself and other individuals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mother by feeling hurt. I cannot expect her to make me feel a certain way, to make my feel ‘loved’ or 'like a daughter’. Nobody can 'make' me feel anything, it is my responsibility to direct myself. I have created ideals that are not real and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my mom to live up to these fabrications. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideals of how things are supposed to be. Its time to let things be as they are so that I may see who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within all these expectations, so that I may release them and uncover who I really am. 

  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to act a certain way around certain people in order to make the situation comfortable for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my discomfort on to others, believing them to be as uncomfortable as I am, or believing that I am making them uncomfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are uncomfortable around me, because I’m quiet and don’t talk much. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be uncomfortable around other people because I fear realness, theirs as well as my own.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uncomfortable when I’m around people acting through ego or the mind, as I don’t want to feed it and participate, but sometimes I do it anyways to avoid the awkward silence that may accompany not participating with others egos and personalities. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with others egos and personalities and I breathe through the feeling of ‘the elephant in the room’, as I remain here, and do not diminish myself in these situations. I will survive the awkward silence, but I won’t survive if I participate in the mind. Mine or anybody else’s.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act out certain personalities in order to avoid being treated a certain way. I can no longer concern myself with other’s reactions, to me or to anything else. Reactions do not direct who I am, I direct myself according to the principles of equality. I stop participation in the reactions of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to convince my mom I’m super happy all the time, even she knows better than this! I am not this façade and she knows it and I know it, the only one I’m fooling is me! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be so blind that I can fool myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be so naïve that I can play myself in this way. My eyes are open now; I see who I’m not. I’m not ‘happy all the time’ because happiness is blindness and pretending to be happy is really really dumb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in ways to avoid my mom worrying about me, she is projecting, and as I continue to live self-honestly, she will see that I am ok and capable of taking care of myself and being responsible for myself. Her stressing about my state of mind is misplaced, when she sees I’m okay she’ll stop. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in ways which keep my mom worried about me instead of remaining stable and self-directive, proving to myself that I don’t need a whole army to back me, that I stand no matter what. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that I need my family to stand behind me and support me. They do not support me in equality, simply for lack of understanding. I support myself.

-“My grandmother was emotionally abusive towards my mom and had a destructive impact on her self-image. My mom will now perpetuate this negative self-image by putting herself down, and pointing out when she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

 

This is only my perception of ‘the way it is’. I can’t trust this or act on it because it might not even be true. I could have developed this perspective and then over time let it become a ‘disproportionate part of the bigger picture’, and/or ‘exaggerated’ as I will have looked for events to confirm my belief over time while ignoring other parts of reality. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form and hold on to the beliefs that I have created about my reality and the people in it, thus creating an actual alternate reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave according to a manufactured reality instead of living according to what is here in actuality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived myself in the context of a false reality, judging myself, defining myself and programming myself according to this projection which has very little to do with actual reality so which in the end, is actually insane.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain blind and insane within my own creation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my creation and its outflows and consequences. I stop, breathe, and live according to what is real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate so blindly in the abuse I create by living in my projected mind reality, I stop here and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within this world, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even comprehend the terrible nature and absolute horror that I have promulgated through my participation within my mind.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing/realizing/being exposed to the horror that goes on in the world, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe or perceive that this kind of horror only happens ‘out there’ to ‘them’. And not to me, because I’m ‘safe’ and ‘I don’t deserve that’. Nobody deserves to suffer, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself so divisively that I don’t even see others as fully human. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe/perceive  that somehow ‘others’ ‘out there’ are able to deal with atrocity because they are ‘not me’ and they must be able to ‘cope somehow’. Otherwise it wouldn’t be happening, right? Because Man would not let something so horrible take place, someone ‘out there’ is looking out for ‘them’ and stopping abuse, because that’s how it works over here… oh so wrong. Over here we have worth because we have money, we associate worth with money, we accept that, it’s all we know. But that is no excuse. I cannot believe I accepted this, but I did, and I continue to as I confirm this belief so long as I continue the way I always have. Shit. Shit shit shit! Shit is real, time to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a reality where some humans have less worth. One where I am supreme, and people far away with no money have no worth. I am them as they are me and life has inherent worth which has absolutely nothing to do with money, status, location or anything else for that matter. Life is all there is and everything else is nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility through beliefs I have created, such as the idea that ‘Man would not let this happen’; It is happening, and I as ‘Man’ am allowing it, I have always allowed it, and so long as I continue participating in the mind, I am continuing to allow it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is some good in the world that would not allow anyone to suffer too much. I only hold this belief because I have lived the good life, and I know that if I were suffering that some caring person or authority would help me, and if they didn’t, there would be hell to pay. I can’t even imagine what the experience of cold, hard reality might be like.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blind because I have lived in a safe and insulated bubble. From my experience with actual bubbles, they always always ALWAYS burst! No matter how pretty and peaceful they are, they are temporary and unstable. I burst my own bubble. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief and perception that something ‘out there’ would not allow this, instead of taking the responsibility upon myself, and not allowing it as me, within me or within my world. I stop, right now. I stop ad will continue stopping for as long as it takes, till this is done. There is no other choice and no other way, thank GOD.

On interacting with my mom:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate my perception of what’s going on with my mom by participating in it through “censoring what I say” around her, thus confirming her possible negative self image to myself, and within that, confirming to myself my own negative self image simply by accepting and allowing the manifestation of ‘negative self-image’ to exist, therefore, through this participation I am diminishing her and myself as I participate within my own thought projection. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confirm and perpetuate the manifestation of a negative self-image through my participation within it, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these thoughts and projections by altering my behaviour around my mom in these ways (‘censoring myself’) which are triggered by these emotions, feelings and reactions of guilt and ‘feeling bad’ for my mother.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself down before anyone else can, believing this to be a protective measure when it reality it is self-destructive as I confirm these negative self-statements and beliefs by either voicing them or participating in the emotional energetic charges which are attached to them, or both. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through diminishing ways such as protective measures. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be one way in my mind, but to actually be busy defining myself in reality as something completely different. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my own becoming, and to be blind to my own artificial creation of myself. I stop this here as I begin to understand and reprogram what I have programmed as myself. I reprogram myself according to principle and not according to experience. The principle I program myself according to is that of a universal oneness and an equality for all as me and within myself as all.

On becoming my parents/change:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live out my pre-programmed genetic design instead of living within breath, directing myself moment to moment according to principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have engrained this pre-programming within myself through my constant and continuous participation within it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel trapped and limited within my genetic predisposition, believing it to be bigger and more powerful than me. It is of my mind and my participation within my mind is my choice and my choice alone, and I know full well that there is not really a choice, so I have no choice but to realize myself as life, and realize myself as equal to my mind, and realize that I have the directive necessary to direct myself within this equality so that I may become a living statement of this equality, mind and all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am waiting for my mom to decide to change before I fully commit to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto my mother my doubt that ‘change is possible’, or my idea, perception and belief that the efforts toward change are in vain.

 I take these projections back to myself and face them now: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that change is possible. I have already proven to myself that it is possible; I have also proven that not changing is equal to living in my own self-manifested hell.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the effort to change is an effort in vain. The idea/perception/belief, as well as the emotional energetic charge I associate with the word effort, is something I have created and defined as ‘hard’ and ‘a struggle’, and I have connected the word ‘effort’ (and all that goes with it) in this case with the idea/perception/belief and emotional energetic charge I have associated and connected to the words ‘in vain’, in relation to my perceived ability to change.

So first, I redefine right now, my idea/perception/belief of the word effort. The dictionary says this about effort: 1: a voluntary exertion to perform. 2: a strenuous attempt. 3: a work. An achievement. I guess effort can be strenuous or an exertion if it is physical, but only participation in energy leads to mental exertion and strain, so I cannot accept this context of the word ‘effort’. I do accept it to be a voluntary performance and work, but not an achievement in and of itself. To me effort is specific action taken over time, directed towards something specific, and that’s it. So when, I ‘put in effort’ to achieve a goal, I am objectively stating that I am taking specific steps towards a goal.

 Second, I realize right now that the energetic emotional charge I feel connected to the words “in vain” are actually my own fear of not achieving the goal due to self-doubt and lack of self-trust.

 This is a goal towards which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I’m putting an ‘effort’ ‘in vain’ towards achieving is the goal of changing (ie: committing to process, accepting my reality is not real, accepting the validity and common sense of desteni as more real than what I have experienced as ‘my life so far’, thus realizing that change is required and inevitable).

 So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest and participate within the accepted and allowed fear not being able to achieve this goal. I have accepted and allowed this achievement to be a choice, wherein I have made space for fear because I lack the self-trust necessary to know without a doubt that I will not give up. So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future the thought of myself giving up and not changing, thus manifesting the fear that my efforts are in vain. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to live my pre-programmed designed pattern of giving up when things get “too hard,” “too hard” being a belief which I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within. Nothing is really ‘hard’ or an ‘effort’, it just feels that way, but I can and will push through these beliefs which I have accepted and allowed to become real physical experiences within myself.

Therefore I push through the fear I have associated with changing by forgiving myself for having accepted and allowing myself to participate within the manifested feelings of fear within myself as I breathe through them and realize that I am still here, that I can in fact change, and that what remains after I change is more real, more me, and less limited, I expand myself through change as I change myself through stopping my participation in the mind. I stop ‘living’ the way I have ‘always lived’ and start living what is real, what is here, as I direct myself toward living what life actually is in actual reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on my mom or any other person to start to change before I ‘feel ready’ to. There is no feeling or sign that will indicate to me that it’s time to fully commit. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend on the feelings of readiness, bravery and motivation in order to indicate to myself that it’s time to change. The time is now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself and all of creation by waiting for others to change before me, I am only waiting for myself, and I am here so…. No more excuses.

When I talk about my relationship with my mom, and now writing about it, I feel silly, like I’m whining and everything I’m saying is such a cliché. Yet this relationship had me completely possessed. These past two days I’ve been able to come out of it and breathe here and there while in either my mom or my dad’s presence. I can see this is due to my writing, however unclear and unfocused and forced it has felt to me.