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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Facing Life

Today I did not set an alarm to wake up because I am still feeling sick from my cold. When I got up I noticed the experience of too-much-ness which I have been experiencing over the past few months as overwhelmingness. During the summer I had been brought to tears from it several times, but now that I’ve listened to Bernard’s interview about this specific experience I understand it is the accumulation of attention towards a particular point. In my case I know that the points I had been working on were focus, self-discipline, time-management and of course, self-directive. These points have been extreme problems in my life in the form of avoiding them, evading them, so it’s a big shift for me to start incorporating them into my living application. I have had much resistance and physical discomfort as I have been working on these points, as well as emotional discomfort in the form of this overwhelming sensation wherein ‘it’s just all too much’. But I’ve gotten through that now and I am coming out on the other side of it with more determination and, as Bernard mentioned, a new perspective or point of view on this experience, and on what leads up to it and how it plays out for me.

My new perspective on this is that I now look at life, or my current experience in terms of the bigger picture. I noticed throughout this that I would normally tend to focus on all the tiny details and obsess over them and I tend to miss the bigger pattern or the bigger goal of what it is that I’m doing.
Within this, when I feel myself being pulled into the experience of being overwhelmed I stop myself immediately by concentrating on my breath and becoming aware of my physical body until my heart starts beating normally. This calms me down, whereas before I would, in a way ‘go with it’ and everything would seem to be happening very fast and I would feel that I couldn’t keep up. I would try to do everything right away and would always end up at the same spot: exhausted, usually sick, tired and feeling like I can’t do it. Feeling like I can’t keep up and I want to give up and I start letting things go and start falling behind etc... This pattern explains the tendency to start projects really strongly and then fizzle out toward the end, and then go into some sort of death throws just to survive and complete the task- whether it be school or a job or whatever. It’s really a very unpleasant experience and therefore I’m determined to correct it so I can stop beating myself up and no longer abuse myself in this way anymore.
Also within all this is the realization that I can only effectively accumulate myself, my self-will, self-discipline, self-directive principle (which will lead to better focus, better time management, and better self-movement) slowly over time. I can’t exert all my energy and completely wipe myself out and expect myself to gain any kind of effective self-support and self-trust this way. It’s more like self-sabotage.so I realize that to take it easy on myself is not to be lazy, but to first of all not let myself go into an experience of anxiety, stress and overwhelmingness, but to instead ‘check myself’ in breath. When I do this I calm down to a point of clarity wherein I can ask myself ‘what do I really need to do right now’ and then ‘am I capable of doing this effectively’ meaning, doing it with my all, complete focus and stability. If not, then I need to take care of myself like sit down and breathe or eat or drink something or simply stop and change environments and do something else.
Secondly, when I do decide within calmness and clarity, to do something, I commit to doing it fully. Today I experienced resistance to this type of situation in class. I have decided to take fewer longer classes instead of many short classes. This means paying attention and keeping my focus for 2 and a half hours at a time. This is very difficult for me and I experience the physical resistance to it as physical discomfort and I also become easily distracted.
The pattern I’m breaking here is the desire to get lost in my own ‘little world’ in my head, which I used to do every day in class since I was very young. I would draw or play in my desk. Now I listen, try to understand and try to take good notes. But it’s still hard at the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel seduced by the desire to escape into my mind in class when I need to instead focus and remain present.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted instead of remaining present and aware for the complete duration of the class, so that I can understand the material, do well, and be effective in the system.
 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exercise the will power and self-discipline to keep myself ‘in line’ while I’m in class, and instead waste my time by doodling and fantasizing about things that I don’t even remember.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be seduced by my fantasies because they seem so interesting and so much more interesting than the lecture when in fact they are not that interesting but rather variations of the same old fantasies I’ve been having for years. They go nowhere, they’re good for nothing and they’re a waste of my time when I should be learning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because I’m trying to escape taking responsibility for my own learning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the classroom experience as boring and unbearable because it hard. It’s hard to learn new things and it;s hard to discipline myself and stay focused and integrate new information into my understanding of myself and my world, and thus far I have been lazy, which is what has made it all ‘hard’.
In reality it’s not hard, it just is. There is no value judgment for me to place on my daily experience, only whether I am applying myself fully-or not. When I am applying myself I face resistances, which make the experience seem ‘hard’ simply because it’s not easy and comfortable to change oneself and one’s patterns, habits, addictions, beliefs and definition.
 So it’s not that any of this is hard, it’s just that it’s uncomfortable and new. And what I’ve learned thus far in my process is that I can just focus on my breath during and throughout that discomfort and it will fade. The energy will eventually run out and I will remain, I will return to stability in the end, and with my focus and determination and my application of breath, I can remain stable throughout the experience as well.
So I allow myself to remain dedicated to my process and myself by remaining focused and fully present throughout the duration of my classes.
I do not accept or allow myself to be seduced by my thoughts and fantasies and desire to doodle and escape pushing myself through willing myself to focus and remain present throughout my classes’ duration.
Also, a few pointers to myself on a side note-
I noticed that I become distracted and brought into an energetic experience of self judgement when I look at all the students and pedestrians in and around school, on public transportation and on the shuttle bus etc...
-          In this respect I will work on not reacting to all the many people around me and rather focus on the bigger picture: why am I here, what am I doing right now to achieve that goal? Am I being the most effective I can be while taking it easy on myself? Am I being self honest? What am I standing as as an example right now in this moment? And Am I present?
-         
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at other students and people and judge what they are wearing and compare myself to them in self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others based on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by placing value on physical appearance and dress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind of judgment when I look at people around me instead of remaining present as breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape facing myself as who I am as life by going into my mind by placing importance on the physical appearance of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people’s motivations for what they choose to wear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my motivations for what I choose to wear to come from a starting point of fear of judgment or of self-interest instead of just dressing practically and comfortably.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge others based on what they are wearing.

I do not accept or allow myself to judge other based on my projected ideas of their motivations behind how they dress.

I do not accept and allow myself to dress myself in order to impress anybody or with the belief that I will be judged. The only judgment is self-judgment.
I accept and allow myself to move through the day without reacting in judgment to the people around me.
I accept and allow myself to experience myself within crowds without being influenced or moved by their presence.
I accept myself unconditionally within big groups, and I move myself according to what’s best for all, and not what’s best for me.
I accept and allow myself to remain present within the crowds of downtown, within awareness as breath, without reaction, just silence within as stillness as stability as life.
_________________________

Friday, September 9, 2011

Back in Montreal

Writing self out, self-honestly

I’m at the end of my first day ‘alone’ in Montreal. ‘Alone’ meaning without my husband, but really, I’m always alone. Things have gone pretty much as I expected, I have chosen today the comfort of the mind rather than facing myself again. Again and again and again as the pattern has been repeating. I’ve been telling myself I will end it here, alone in montreal, so now I am here and it’s time to face it, face myself. Right now I’m having trouble taking myself seriously as I write this, because I’ve put it off for so long the words no longer carry any weight. It’s like, I don’t care if I don’t face myself, I can’t do it anyways, and this is all going to play out exactly like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I’m not able to take myself seriously because I haven’t proven it to myself yet that I can really change.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because it’s a pattern that I’m used to and it’s easier and more comfortable to abdicate my self-responsibility by not taking myself seriously.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take myself seriously because over the years I have participated in relationships where I was not taken seriously, and I accepted and allowed it, and I perpetuates it by believing it to be who I am, therefore living it into my actions and words, instead of realizing myself as who I really am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships within which I am not taken seriously, because if I’m not taking myself seriously, I will train others to do the same.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself unconditionally, to value my voice and my presence in the world.
I allow myself to take myself seriously, knowing that this is a serious process and that the consequences of my not facing myself are serious.
I allow myself to take myself seriously because I’m worth being taken seriously because I have the value of life, and the only thing that can take that away from me is myself.
I allow myself to take myself seriously because I understand that only the mind is capable of not taking life seriously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can’t do ‘this’, meaning, I can’t change my patterns, addictions habits and behaviours.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I’ve never actually really tried before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I believe these things are bigger or more powerful than who I am as life, rather than realizing that I created these entities and am therefore equal and one with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t change my patterns, addictions, habits and behaviours because I fear the discomfort of facing myself as the mind.
I know that I can do this, and the belief that I can’t do this is only a belief in the mind. I stand equal and one to what I have created by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and instead participate in the mind. In terms of the discomfort- I know it goes away- the energy runs out, and I can stick to breath to get me through these walls, because I have to.
I accept and allow myself to realize that I can face and change my patterns, habits, addictions and behaviours, and when the thought pops up that I can’t, I stop, I breathe, I confront the discomfort and breathe through it until it is gone, and I accumulate myself as life.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ensure this is all going to play out like last year by thinking it, I stop this immediately and realize that the future is not written, it is up to me to direct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is all going to play out like last year because I will not accept or allow that to happen, I am the directive principle of my life and I am learning more and more every day. It is becoming less and less easy to fool myself and there is very little standing in between me and my self-directive principle.
I allow myself to change myself one breath at a time so that I slowly accumulate the change I will to see in myself so that I can stand as that change within the world, equal and one with what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy because I have programmed myself over time to be lazy and avoid responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility by choosing laziness over directive principle because it’s easier and more comfortable to be lazy, and its hard and uncomfortable to move myself according to my principles because doing so involves breaking old patterns as addictions to what I have accepted and allowed within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose laziness because I have defined it as a more enjoyable experience to experience and is done only in self-interest wherein I am considering only myself and my immediate experience and comfort rather than moving myself in every moment to be self-honest and to do what’s best for all.
I do not accept or allow laziness, apathy or ignorance to exist within and as me. I do not allow experiential living to take priority in my life. I do not allow myself to use excuses, justifications, denial and beliefs to choose laziness, apathy, ignorance or experiential living over my self-directive principle.
I move myself in every moment and I remain Here in breath.